Why the Hallmark Channel is a Load of Crap

A beautiful home, blue skies breaking thru clouds, a couple holding hands in the sunset.

G’day everyone,

What does “When Calls the Heart,” actress Lori Loughlin, and a predictable pile of stories have in common? The masterminds behind the Hallmark Channel, of course,

Rather than dwell on actress Lori Loughlin’s collegiate antics, my primary aggravation is with executives in charge of the Hallmark Channel over at Crown Media Holdings. Heaven forbid they stand by Lori Loughlin’s side, acknowledging she’s a human who makes mistakes and help her grow beyond her stupidity. Instead, they not only abandoned her, but they plan to strip her characters and movies from their masthead and lineup. Now, her career is ruined, in its present form, she faces jail time, and has lost the admiration of many fans. The impact on her husband and daughter could result in the collapse of their financial stability and careers as well. Quite the mess.

Seems the executives over at the Hallmark Channel reacted in a predictably hostile fashion, but their ferocity and single-mindedness were pathetic and tragic. I wonder what skeletons remain hidden inside the executives’ closets.

This is a short-term issue in the grand scheme of things.

Begrudgingly, I admit to being a fan of Hallmark’s “When Calls the Heart.” It’s slightly quirky, completely predictable weekly stories drive me nuts with their sugar-coated simplicity - the good guy always winds, and the bad guys lose everything during the final ten minutes of each episode. Charming and period-driven, the early 1900s setting is the perfect timeframe to showcase the US’s transition from an agrarian society to one made easier with machines and gadgets invented back then. We’ve experienced the implementation of a diesel-powered lumber-mills saw, the automobile,’s appeal and pitfalls, the motorcycle’s funkiness, and the mechanics & operations of the telephone and telegraph. “When Calls the Heart” is a safe show to get lost within. It’s soft enough to land gently after watching. It lets you drift off for a good night’s sleep within a silly stupor.

Not satisfied with this lofty home run, the folks at Hallmark retained a slew of proprietary actors and actresses, dumped tons of sugary chocolates down the throats of screenwriters, and produced a formula for cranking out the most saccharine, watered-down, predictably plodding movies. Keeping with a cookie-cutter, factory approach, the Hallmark Channel pumps out a new movie release every Saturday.

I never watched the sappy, nonsensical style of movies and shows featured on the Hallmark Channel.

“Star Wars,” “Die Hard,” and the “Rocky” movies were my style - the tough-love, macho, ballsy movies were fantastic! How else could a scrawny, pasty teen leave a movie theater ready to kick bad-guy butt? Adrenalized, pumped up, and supercharged, my generation became numb to graphic violence. Gore, horror, and mayhem were added to the mix soon thereafter Gutsy, over-the-top shows and movies were everywhere. Video games, too, became more graphic and violent. Nowadays, we eagerly shell out billions of dollars to be entertained with such murderous stimuli.

Then, for me, came September 11th, 2001. During that period of numbness and shock, I remember reading a bumper sticker - “Murder isn’t entertainment.” Interesting point, and timely, too, I thought.

As that terrorist thugs twisted reality began playing out, I eagerly rented the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, “Total Recall.”

“Total Recall” starred The Arnold (check), it featured human hybrids living on Mars (check), the good guys win (check), and the movie included a gratuitous shot of a human hybrid, living on Mars, who sported 3 breasts (triple check). I was not prepared four the carnage and mayhem splashed across so many, many scenes.

The killings were so numerous that I lost sight of the plot. In one scene, The Arnold breaks loose from his restraints and slams a broken piece of it into the head of a mad scientist — blood and gore went everywhere. Then, The Arnold uses a freshly killed guy’s body as a shield while two sets of bad guys flail away at him with incessant streams of bullets — all of which tore apart the dead guy’s body.

Such scenes overwhelmed the plot. All the murder was pointless, not entertaining, and vulgar. The storyline was pretty slick, but I couldn’t get past the graphic violence. Something clicked inside me as the end credits rolled — that bumper sticker about murder not being entertainment — popped into my mind. It was another shoulder tap from God (see my Sunday posts regarding Shoulder Taps from God).

The message was clear — crystal clear. Beyond theological, the message was perfectly logical, and I couldn’t agree more with it.

What does my review of “Total Recall” have to do with the Hallmark Channel? Side by side, they’re polar opposites. If I had to choose a format these days, I’d eagerly watch dozens of smarmy, love-sick Hallmark movies than even one minute of those pandering, senseless murder & cop shows, phony “reality” shows, and insulting theatrics positioned as talk shows and news programs.

Gone are the days of my cathartic murder immersion. None of that crap is allowed in our home, at our choosing. We’ prefer to watch love-hungry goobers chase each other from one predictable scene to another. So, why do I feel the Hallmark Channel sucks? It offered an illusion, an escape so ridiculous as to be insulting, and I gladly went for it — hook, line, and sinker. I'm not even ashamed that I didn’t look back. Beyond the Hallmark Channel, if it isn’t a romantic comedy or a silly sitcom, we won’t watch it. I may not be thrilled with exposing this softer side of me, but I’d rather be a simple, kindhearted guy than a numb, violence-minded hothead. Thank you, I suppose, you executives of the Hallmark Channel.

Now, if they’d just move beyond Lori Loughlin’s felonious misdeeds and hire her back, the world could be a peaceful place once again.

Lori will probably land on her feet anyway, with or without the Hallmark Channel. As there is no such thing as bad press, she’ll probably make even more money - just like Martha Stewart, G. Gordon Liddy, Oliver North, Tim Allen, and so many other law-breakers have done. Even so, those Hallmark-Channel execs didn’t have her back. For that, the Hallmark Channel is a load of crap.

Have a nice day!

RJ